Lessons from a brother

Before I dive into this post, which is somewhat dark, I leave you with this song.  I have listened to this song for some time lately and I think it's relevant to this post and my brother. Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oh2LWWORoiM
What a crazy couple of weeks it has been.  Two weeks ago today, I got a phone call from my mother at 1 am that my sister in law has passed away.  The pain that instantly hit my chest slowly found it's way to tears then sobbing.  Uncontrollable sobbing.  Sobbing for my sister in law, her parents, and mostly my brother.  My brother has only been on this earth for 42 years; however, the things that he has had to endure in such a short life span almost make me forget he is only 6 years older than me. He even looks older to me.  Life has definitely dealt him a hard blow.  However, the memories of our childhood are the ones filled with laughter and adventure.  And we were a team dealing with our crazy parents!

From an early age, my brother took me under his wing.  I remember when he was in 5th grade and I was in 1st, he would teach me how to read at a 5th grade level.  Teaching me his readings so I could be the smartest girl in the class. We would build forts, secret sticker clubs in our closet, hide and seek and go on grand adventures on the way to and from school.  However, like all siblings, we drove each other nuts.  I hated him for a long time for tormenting my cabbage patch doll just to see me work into a rage and eat all the brownie mix that was for my little kitchen on purpose.  My brother has the biggest heart I know of, besides my own father.  Once when my gold fish died, he went down to the ditch to refill the tank with more fish-which happened to be guppies, but nonetheless.  I also remember us playing hide and seek under clothes racks while my mom was shopping only to have my brother not come look for me and me finally getting up and looking around at age 7 and not seeing anyone.  Asshole.

My brother gave me the love of academics-although he went the Math and Science route-and I went the English/Politics/Philosophy route.  You know that smart kid in your class that took college Math as a freshman-yeah, that would be my brother.  But what I am most thankful for is the gift of running my brother gave me.  What an amazing runner.  Winning State and getting calls from colleges while in high school to come run for Brown-just to name one college.  He was asked to run with the President of the United States.  It seemed effortless and when I would get the balls to run with him during summer training-he would always be ahead of me.  He gave me strategies I often think of today in races.  He was built to run.  I had to work a bit harder.  He has been my cheerleader in all things. So proud of all my academic and athletic accomplishments.  I still remember him calling me after NYC and just telling me how awesome that was.

I always joke how my brother is sweet, sensitive and very quiet.  Very Private.  I am pretty much the complete opposite.  I am loud, tell you how it is, and can be known once in awhile as sweet.  But that is not the first word people usually use to describe me.  And I am okay with that.  You will never walk away from me without me being honest with you.  However, I am a very private person. And I guard my brother fiercely.  That is why I don't post about him on FB a lot.  I probably tell 5 people my inner most thoughts, cry in front of and hug.  I am more of a "Go Team" girl.  It's surprising to me that my brother can be all those things with such great loss throughout his life.

My brother enlisted into the military right after school.  Like my brother, I also do well with people just telling me what to do-that is why I love training plans.  I remember my brother calling me at college and saying "calling to say hi, that I love you, but this line isn't secure, so I can't talk long."  I never asked what he did or what he saw in North Korea and Iraq, just to name a few places he went. But I knew when my brother came back, he was different.  How could you not be on some level.

In his time back to the U.S. he was married and lost his youngest child while I was living in LA. Another horrible phone call.  After burying your own child-I don't think one ever gets over that loss. His marriage fell apart.  Both not handling or coping correctly with such a loss.

In recent years and in recent months, men he fought with and spent day and nights with, committed suicide.  And now, this week, we buried his current wife, my sister in law.  The details of that night my family shared with me and how my brother reacted are private; but the man is shattered.

I often think how much can one human endure in a lifetime?  I don't know.  I know my brother has a long road in front of him on many levels.  Especially, emotionally and physically.  With blow after blow in his life he hasn't managed to cope effectively.  But it is hard to ask for help situations.  I, personally don't like it.  But, I find that people are more than willingly to offer comfort and support if asked.

I am so grateful for my friends that have reached out to me.  This week has been horrible.  I think with traveling, grief, shock, stress and not eating or then not eating right, I have finally gotten run down and sick.  I think what makes me the most sad is that I cannot imagine the amount of loss in my brother's life and especially losing a wife, that was your high school sweetheart.  After dating in high school, then going their separate ways, they found each other again.

I hope and pray for my brother and his journey into recovery and healing.  I guess that is the most valuable lesson he has taught me-to be resilient.  To pick yourself up, to keep going-even if it is a snails pace.  Enjoy the pics!

A PR kind of year....

What a racing year! I am so humbled, honestly.  First, let me link up one song that has been my theme all year.  Especially when I decided to pull the trigger on the Ironman Calgary 70.3.  I even heard it as I was cheering the IMCDA.  And just an all around kick butt song to get you going.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y66j_BUCBMY

Ok.  So, this last year was the first year that I trained during the winter.  Usually after my season ends in September, I say peace out and focus on school the rest of the time until like...February.  I enjoyed sleeping in, focusing only on school and eating queso...and more queso...you get the point.  However, I would have to start all over on my fitness.  I found it is easier to maintain than to start over.  Who knew!!

I started this year being challenged to do the YMCA Indoor Ironman by my friend Kelli.  You have the whole month to finish it.  I completed it in 3 days and technically won it.  First done in the fastest time.  I scored a cool track jacket as well.  I picked green because I don't have enough great-for an Irish girl.

My friend Adrienna talked me into a snow packed run called the Snow Joke in Seeley Lake, which I had always wanted to do, yet never signed up, until this year.  So, pretty and there were some miserable times as well.  My hydration belt leaked on my quad and froze it.  So, the last few miles were mind over matter for sure.

This year I also bought my new bike, Fuego- a red Specialized road bike.  I will add picks when I do my Ironman blog.  I named him Fuego because it's red and looks fast.  57 inch frame-this girl has long legs :-)  Soon, because of this bike-which fit me better-I was biking faster-and because of Masters-I was swimming faster-and because of girls making me get out of bed-I was running better.  Thus, after the Grizzly Triathlon PR, I decided to make a silent goal to myself.  I would PR every race I entered.  And I did!  Granted a few were the first time on the course (which counts as a PR!)-only like three races, but nonetheless, I PR'd every race...every damn one.  Only one was a total complete sufferfest.  That was the Spring Meadow Triathlon.  It was so hot.  I was seeing double when I got off the bike.  The first half of the run I twisted my ankle on a rock on the path.  It was slow going after that.  But I finished. There were times I definitely DNC-DID NOT CARE- anymore, but still finished to my friends cheering and my tri partner Diedra running me in.

Here are the bibs from this year's races!

And my medals :-)

On the last 3 miles of my last half marathon-ahead of 2 dudes!

What an amazing year.  Now for more yoga, easy runs, some light rides and only swimming with Masters once-maybe twice a week at times.  No pressure for a couple months!  Also, a time to set new goals and dream big!
Namaste.

It's My Birthday and...

This is a little bit late.  However, I am finally coming off my birthday week of cake and wine.  Yes, the breakfast of champions.  Tricks are for kids.  I had 2 cakes made for me and 2 sets of cupcakes. And I didn't want to be rude.  Pics to follow..but I heard this song this last week on Pandora and it was one of my favorites while living in LA..so here you go.  Plus, there is a girl in the band..so that rocks.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCHCcoPIQpk

So, the birthday was last week.  I planned to go to Fairmont Hot Springs (http://www.fairmontmontana.com/) and have some pool time with some friends.  When got there the outdoor pool was closed, but we made the best of the indoor pool and hot tub.  We cooked dinner at my condo there and then stayed up playing Cards Against Humanity (which is some great politically incorrect fun) and drank champagne.  Next morning we soaked some more and headed off to Bozeman.  I decided a few months ago to ring in my birthday with one of my favorite half marathons. It is such a beautiful race with views of the mountains and horses then goes through town!  My friend Adrieanna jumped on board for the run and met us there.  My friends, Kelli and Tina, were going to be our cheerleaders.

My lucky # 7 (plus 711 sells coffee and doughnuts)

When we got to the running store to pick up our packet, Kelli went right to the pickup at the back of the store.  I finally made my way down there, but was thinking to myself "Kelli, we can pickup our own packets."  Because Kelli is the type to go get them for you.  I got up to the table and I said that to her...and her response..."No, this is my packet." Shock and disbelief.  Why such shock you ask. Because Kelli has had a hell of year.  Before our first half marathon in February, she slipped on ice and broke her ankle in a spiral fracture.  Oh wait, it gets better...er worse.  Then after the prescribed time off she started to become active again, only to find out she has a blood clot.  Another set back of sorts.  Then she had two eye surgeries.  So, needless to say she met her deductible.  Up to this birthday weekend, she had really only ran 3 miles.

I had tears in my eyes and hugged her.  What a great gift, but I was so proud.  I mean she was going to do this and finally was would do a race "together." I joked with her that she would do anything to get out of a race! So, the next morning we all geared up and headed to the start. Later in the race we would see that Tina went out early and made signs along the course.  They were awesome.  She would bike back and forth cheering along the way.  Kelli wasn't too far behind us, maybe a mile? There was one time I saw she was close behind us! So, Adrieanna and I made a goal, if we don't PR this, at least beat the one-legged bandit! We all rocked it! Kelli only finished 10 min behind her last half marathon time, when she had two "good" legs (her words, not mine.)

We ate up and headed home.  What a great weekend with great friends.

And her is a couple of the goodies that my friends made me! Yum!

Kelli's yummy cupcakes

My little buddy and my hot pink cake

Last year wasn't too shabby either.  I ran the NYC Marathon, graduated Graduate school and rocked the Half Ironman Calgary.

Here is to a great year of kicking ass!

The Secrets of Vision Boards

So, in my search of full time employment, it's been a challenge to keep my spirits up.  Looking for a job is a full time job.  Nonetheless, if any of you know someone who works at Nike, please tell them I am pretty cool.  This video is how I feel about those working at Nike.  It is also a pretty cool video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXTlczyWJ-Y

Ok, so this last week after going on another interview (getting pretty good at these... or maybe I am getting worse).  So, naturally I started to think of other ways to bring good "job" energy to my little world besides sending resumes and praying-endlessly.  I thought of a vision board.  Oh and watching The Secret, of course.  I got some mixed reactions to this.  Some believe in this, others not so much.  However, there are many reasons this was probably in my subconscious, one is the fact I made a vision board April 2013.  Yep. I hung it my training room.  I had it taped up on my front door inside so I would always see it.  But then it kept falling down and all I could vision was myself taping it back up.  Hence, it was in my training room.

Of course the poster board is hot pink!

The other day I was in there to get something and I happened to glance at it.  Being outside training I haven't really looked at it.  My draw dropped a little.  First, the girl in one of the pictures is wearing the exact running shoes I would switch to in May 2013.  I had always been a Brooks girl for years, then in May I went to the local running store and told them my feet just felt like they needed a shake up because I was getting shin splints and wanted a different shoe.  Low and behold, he brought out a hot pink pair of Asic Gel Nimbus 14. I truly believe you need to be energized by the color of your running shoe, otherwise, what is the point of spending that $ ;-)  I fell in love with them.  It was like running on pillows! Also, this sealed the deal that hot pink is my signature color! A little product review that I and others have noticed with Asics. The inside of the heel will wear out; thus a good indicator it's time for a new set and for you to be a little annoyed.   But not until you have gotten your well-deserved use, but still.  So, here is a close up of the girl and then a pair of the shoes the sales person brought out.

This is my 3rd and last pair.

I know right!  Ok, so on the board you also see a lot about running.  To keep running and run with your heart.  I was going to focus on running and start fresh with these new shoes.  I just finished a race before buying these and I wanted to get better because I had signed up for a my first marathon in September in Pocatello.  I had always pushed off doing a marathon-it scared me.  However, I would watch the NYC 

Marathon every year on TV.  I had been in the drawing since 2011, only to not make it in.  Then, in May,one month after the vision board and putting running sayings/images on it, I got picked for the NYC Marathon!!! A life long dream came true and how cool that it would be my first marathon.  So, I dropped the September Marathon to a half and began training for NYC. I also documented the journey on Facebook so people could be with me from Week 1 to the Finish Line.

Amazeballs.  

Asic Gel Nimbus 15-NYC 13 edition

Also, you will see that I put pictures for Triathlons as well.  One specifically says "Every Girl Has An Iron Core."  When I cut this out there was very little thought of doing an Ironman.  I had done sprint triathlons-numerous and I was kinda ok with that.  Then in 2014 it aligned.  I pushed myself harder in the pool, entered Masters more regularly, bought a new bike, became friends with Ironman and convinced a good friend to do a Half Ironman with me in Calgary.  I also PR'd every triathlon this year. Before any of this, when I would randomly catch the Ironman on TV, I would only think "hmm looks intense and hmm, looks like something to do that day."  But, so many things from January 2014 on aligned and pushed me to compete in Calgary 2014.

Awesome Sauce.  

So, I am going to make a vision board, with a lot of Nike stuff on it and cute outfits and some pictures of making money and paying off school loans-HA.  Whatever you need to do to get to the next level do it.  My friend recently told me "If it makes you feel uncomfortable, then it is probably right."  So, here is to dreaming (visioning) big.

Women's Running Article Hits Home

As always I get excited upon opening my mail and seeing my Women's Running magazine, especially since lately they had been sending me two.  However, I think someone got that unfortunate problem fixed-darn it.

I always love the tips, clothes, editors notes, stories of how running changed people's lives; however, there was one article this month that had me in tears.  Their cover model winner was a breast cancer survivor.  She was a marathoner and just completed her first Half Ironman.  My grandmother and my mother are both breast cancer survivors.  Since they developed the disease later in life-past 50-the doctors didn't see a reason to genetically test me.  However, for years now, once a year I go in for a mammogram and an ultrasound.  Once a year I cry in the waiting room and call my mom.  Once a year I am terrified sitting in a nice comfy robe, waiting to get tested.  However, the complimentary chocolate they give with the robe is nice. My mom felt a lump and was persistent.  Glad she was, because the mammogram didn't detect it-yep-mind blown.  Therefore, the ultrasound did.

It is amazing to me that women will go put in hours at the gym and eat right and yet don't do self breast exams.  And they bitch about their yearly exam.  I deal with regularly where I work.  I am sorry-you are complaining because we want to make sure you aren't showing any cancer cells in your cervix-so sorry. Cancer doesn't give a shit if your married or in a monogamous relationship-FYI.   #sorryiamnotsorry

Lindsey Hein describes her story of being an athlete, wife and mom in this issue.

She describes her treatment, her choices and deciding to have another child after treatment.  I was lucky that my moms cancer didn't spread.  She had surgery and no radiation or chemo.  I am thankful for that.  Even though all my tests have been great- I still make my doctor send the findings, which I have no real idea what they mean-a bunch of numbers and terms, but somehow it makes me feel a bit better nonetheless.  I am so thankful that I am healthy.  I can get up each day and do what I want.  I do struggle with asthma-and at times it's hard, but it pales in comparison what others endure everyday and get out and kick the day's ass.  So, it makes me even more upset that perfectly healthy people sit on the couch. Seriously?  I hope you take time to read this article either online or bogart a quick read at your local book store (we all do it ;-)).  Here is the link.
http://womensrunning.competitor.com/

Namaste Introvertness

Sometimes I know it is hard for many to believe that this Irish girl can be an introvert.  There is a part of me that loves time alone, time to reflect or time to nap and watch Netflix.  I don't allow myself that a lot-and maybe that is my problem.  It's hard for me to relax and "do nothing" at times.  But when I start to feel overwhelmed or agitated at the little things, I know it's time to shut down-shut down my electronics, shut down being so accessible, shut down being so hard on myself.

I tend to have the classic Virgo tendencies.  To be perfect, to always be pleasing, to always say yes...I found a great reprieve from this during marathon training.  I finally started being what I thought was selfish.  Only to have one of my best friends tell me it wasn't selfish at all.  I was saying no to plans that didn't fit in with my sleep, training or eating.  I was basically doing what others had been doing.  It was also during this time I probably fell the most in love with yoga.  I practice hot yoga in my community and I was going Friday mornings before my long runs on Saturday and for a nice restorative balance Sunday mornings.  I learned to let go of my "ego" and be grateful for what my body could do and embrace what it couldn't do.  I had been watching inspirational videos that NYC Marathon posted and I kept hearing this one song.  Then, in my practice I was hearing it as well.  I fell in love with it and it became my sanctuary.  I listen to it when I need to focus, let go, unwind and just be in tune with me.  I listen to it a lot before races in fact.  I am listening to it right now.  Here it is-enjoy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWcyIpul8OE

Being an introvert doesn't necessarily mean your anti-social.  For me it's about becoming reconnected and yes, possibly escaping for a day or two to recharge my batteries.

I have this chair as well, but I do love my recliner :-)

I feel that yoga allows for this.  It's about me and mind and body.  I am not looking at what the other person is doing.  Even after all that I have done in my athletic career, I am the most proud of my body when I am in a yoga class.  Maybe it's because it's about me and I am not chasing someone down or vice versa.  I am also trying to let go of individuals that are negative and those who are oh so supportive behind a keyboard, but not in real life.  I feel like I am juggling a lot of stress balls lately.  Stress about money, stress about finding a job, stress that I have a Masters and I really want to use it, stress that I busted my butt all through school and even with good grades I am struggling in finding a career.  Stress of possibly feeling this urge to move, to grow and to be uncomfortable.  Stress that everyone I share these fears with are people who have jobs and a paycheck-so is there a level of understanding or empathy?  At times, yes. Upon these feelings today I found this blog about letting our inner fire burn-clearing the bullshit, people who give you bullshit really, and are surface supporters is what I call them.  I found it amazing on many levels.  Take time to enjoy the moment without planning the next moment, to sit in silence with a good book and to recharge your batteries.

http://www.quietlyauthentic.com/4/post/2014/08/burning-old-belief-systems-so-your-inner-fire-can-flow.html

Fav song right now and an Ode to the Rims.

First new song alert-thank you Spotify Evening Chill.  Great songs on that playlist.  I am loving this one and listening to it right now.

As my time in Billings is coming to an end, I am so thankful for this trip.  I decided to come on this trip to spend time with my friends and family.  Usually my trips would consist of my dad asking what I was eating for training so he could whip that up for a meal then I could be out the door for hours.  Also, this is the first summer I am not in grad school.  So, it is a nice reprieve for those around me not to have to deal with my stressed out self.  In fact, on this trip I barely know myself-hello drinks and biscuits and gravy for breakfast and how about fries for dinner.  Please and thank you.  #sorryiamnotsorry

I have been able to hang out with some of my favorites and re-connect with old friends.  I decided many trips ago, that I wasn't going to spend my limited time I spend in B-town trying to make plans with people. Texting and calling people to fill my day.  It was so exhausting, especially when you are the one doing all the reaching out.  Some friends you need to let go, some friends you don't need to see every time and you still love each other.  So, as of lately, I have been just posting I am in town.  People can hit me up if they want to hang out and that is who I make time for.  And sometimes I catch up with others next trip.

This trip has been a bit more nostalgic for me.  Maybe because I am not running around with my head cut off.  I am breathing Billings in.  Maybe part of that is the re-connect with an old friend from high school.  And suddenly I find myself thinking of all the summers spent here in high school and back home for college.  All the times going to the fair and time spent on the rims.  The rims is the most identifying of all things Billings. I remembering going around one of the turns on Zimmerman Trail and seeing all the classes paint their graduation year on the cement guard rail and counting the years until my class was up. I remember driving up Zimmerman Trail to head to the Heights, this magical place where Skyview boys lived.  Sitting up there, I loved listening to the crickets at night, their sound letting you know that summer is still here, albeit fleeting. Reminds me of camping out in the backyard.  I remember going to the rims to repel, to hang out, to skip school, to make out, to run, to do bootcamp and most of all, to look out at this vast city and dream big and at the same time loving this community.  The lights showing how the city is alive and buzzing, but the openness of the Big Sky showing you the endless possibilities of what life may hold outside the city limits.

The Rims

Thank you to all my friends and family who spent a little bit of time with me on this trip.  Thank you to my dad's hot tub and thank you Billings. xo