USAT Nationals Race Report

It's been awhile since I have been on here, sorry.  Ironman training is pretty much consuming.  It's been quite the journey. And I just want to eat and sleep.  Wait, I love those things when I am not training.  I digress.

This song I am really loving right now.  Good beat to run, cycle and kick ass too.  Enjoy.

Da Da Ding

Well, it was about end of June that I found out I was invited to Nationals.  Nationals, the Olympic race, you need to receive a certain invite to compete.  I was excited.  I had seen others attend this on Facebook and those are some fast girls.  I will admit I looked at the results to make sure I wouldn't finish last.  But, then I remembered I am okay with that, because it's Nationals!  I entered.  Excited for the opportunity.  Now, for those that don't know, the Olympic distance is 1500 yard swim, 24 mile bike and a 10k at the end.

A bit of history:  I have only competed in two previous Olympic distances.  Both were horrible, both ended in tears and me being pissed off.  I am good at sprint and long distances.  Where my plan called I do this distance/race, I wasn't even going to look for a race but just do the distances on my own. That is how much I wanted to not race this distance.  But then Nationals happened.  And what better way to crush your comfort zone than doing the distance that has tripped you up in the past with the fastest people in the US, who basically didn't get into the Olympics at Rio  (seriously...no...like for reals serious :-).  But the 16 weeks of training I had put in had oddly made me just enjoy the process of going and racing my race.

Since I like to keep my bike on me at all times if possible, I decided to road trip down there.  I asked my childhood bestie, Ashley, if she wanted to go.  She did!  That is a good friend that will go with you to Omaha and isn't in the sport.  Oh man, the fun and shenanigans we got into is a post by itself-but it was a great girls trip we both needed.  Car dance parties (check out the videos on FB), stopping in Sturgis, infamous Wall Drug, Corn Palace and Mt. Rushmore.  Oh, and the big green dinosaur by Wall Drug that is a staple in my childhood travels.  I also remember going to Wall Drug and Mt. Rushmore with my parents.  Or as I like to call them "the guys." #dudesontherock

I got my shake out run in Sioux Falls on this great path behind our hotel that connects all the parks and has a river running through it.  We made it to Omaha and went straight to register the second day of the trip and checked out the expo.  Ran into Julie, a teammate from Helena and made plans for dinner.  It was good to have dinner with her.  She is such a calming force and real sweetheart.

Next day, woke up and did my shake out ride around quiet little neighborhoods.  Made sure everything clicked and was ready.  We went to check in my bike and I met a fellow Betty teammate for a swim.  Meeting up with Jill really was awesome.  It was both of our first times there.  The Ashley and I went to eat and I changed to head to the athlete briefing.  After that I needed a nap. Imagine that!  I love napping, I am a pro. I wonder if Lazy Boy would sponsor me.

Got up and I laid out all my stuff for the morning.  I then met another Betty for dinner.  She was staying right by me.  Jen and I had been corresponding on meeting up and it was great we were right next to each other.  Great dinner and conversation.  We decided to drive to the race start in the morning.  Ashley bless her heart was going to get up and drive me.  But, this worked out for everyone.  I got back to the hotel and chilled.  Ashley and I watched the Olympics and then went to bed.  I slept pretty decent-ish for before a race.

Woke up race morning and made it my goal to be grateful for this experience.  I can get in the zone in a race and forget to enjoy it, to thank volunteers and smile.  A simple goal to have, but can be challenging when you are in pain or struggling.  Went down and got oatmeal and coffee and came up and sipped coffee.  I didn't race until after 10 am and so I waited on the oatmeal.  I did need coffee so I could do the all important poo before the race.  Just keeping it real.  Race and Betty tattoos on, gear packed, watch, Betty bracelet, road id and a USA bracelet my dad gave me that he got from the dollar store last year that I wear when I race.  Ashley is snoozing and I head out the door to meet Jen.

We start out and it's a cluster f&*k.  Roads closed and miscommunication.  Athletes all over the place driving to get to the start.  Transition closed by 7:25 am.  So, you already have nervous athletes, that now can't get to the start or their bikes to set up.  We finally get there and after realizing the cluster, the RD keeps transition open longer.  Jen and I park and we hustle to our bikes.  In transition I meet Kelsey and Katherine on the Betty Team.  We are all close to each other.  Checking and double checking our bikes and we head out......to wait.  Kelsey, Katherine and I are in the same heat.  Jen and Jill go earlier.  Jen, Jill and I hit the bathrooms and get water and wait in the shade.  Susan came over- another Betty (this girl is soo funny).  We took pictures and Jen and Susan take off.  Then Jill does and then it's me.

I go over to the swim and watch the heat in front of me.  Then I find Kelsey and we head to the swim start.  We say good luck and head to our own spots.  The girl next to me on the pier introduces herself and we joke and we are just happy to be there.  Cannon goes off and we head out.  I opted to stay just right of the pack so I don't get as in the chaos and merge only to clear buoys.  I got a little nervous before the swim, but I just told myself to go out and get it done.  Just something you have to do for training and enjoy the day.  Now, the swim was not wetsuit legal because of how warm the water was (84 degrees), so I had a skin suit over my tri suit and had been training in it for the past few weeks.  Out of the water-it ended up being over 1700 yards and headed to transition.  Where is the damn strap for this skinsuit!!  Found it and put on my bike gear and started to the mount line....which was a half mile I swear!

On the bike I have been feeling stronger. I know that the first couple miles, like running, it takes me a moment to find my bike legs and for my quads to be readying to work. It was great because Jill gave me a Betty cowbell for Ashley to ring.  So awesome to hear her voice cheering when I got out of the water. On the bike I was waiting for this hill that everyone was talking about.  It was a Omaha/Iowa hill.  Nothing for a Montana girl (although it was within the first couple miles, so that was less than awesome).  I did see one girl off her bike, whizzed by and said "you got this girl!" I was passing the younger girls and felt really good.  I had been heat training the last 3 weeks so I felt pretty good. Cruised the turnaround.  On the bike I had my aero bottle with an electrolyte, I took one gel.  I had taken on endurolyte as well.  Every volunteered I passed I said thank you!! I was going over 20 mph at most of it, slowed on that hill, so average speed was 16.5 mph.  A couple miles out my right glute started aching.  It was ready to be done racing on the bike that day.  A couple out of the seats to get blood flow and it would be fine for a bit.  Never had this in training, but it could be that I was just leaning more that day to my right.  All I hoped it wasn't going to cramp on the run.  But no negative thoughts!!  Got to T2 to get off my bike, took my shoes off before running in.  The transition was bumpy grass and I just knew I would snap my ankle off.  Heading out with shoes on was tricky.  I hear Ashley and I smile.  She gave me a burst of energy!  Grabbed my number and put on my shoes and hat and headed out.

This point it's in the 80 degrees with humidity, but I was ready.  I checked to see where the aid stations were ahead of time and decided not to carry my usual running belt, just my race belt and drink what was on the course.  Before I could even get to the first aid station, I heard an ambulance and looked to my right and a guy had collapsed and medics were helping him.  I get to the first aid station.  They ran out of water and just got refilled and were filling cups.  I stopped and waited for a second, it wasn't worth it to go another mile with no liquids.  Grabbed waters and 1 Gatorade.  I am not a fan of Gatorade because of the sugar, but my method was this :1 water to drink, 1 to pour on my head and sip a couple sips of Gatorade.  Then I headed to the next aid station.  Which as one athlete described as running through the Sahara Desert.  Just a long, hot, straight shot to it.  I see Kelsey on this section first.  Girl is killing it and focused.  I see another girl just stop and throw up.  That stuff doesn't phase me.  But, I needed to race smart.  My race, my pace.  I then saw Jill and we high-fived! Then Katherine.  And this other lady next to her high-fived me!  Reach the next aid station and do the same method.  Next to the stadium (and aid station).  You know, the one you see on TV for baseball and softball championships.  We run through it and see ourselves on the big screen.  At this point I am alone.  I thank the volunteers and encourage other runners heading in and I keep on my pace and methods. Head back now to finish.  Hit the aid station and grab my usual and some ice.  Shove ice in my bra and inside my cap on my head.  Keep running.  Jingle jangle of ice.  Then I grab some ice out of my bra and eat it.  A girl catches up to me and says "it's a hot one today." We laugh.  I run again and she continues to walk.  I get to the last aid station (which was the first) and they have no water. What the French Toast?! Keep going.  Notice my bib is ripped on one side and hanging by one hole. Keep track of it so it doesn't go bye bye and I get a penalty.  I head in.  Athletes encouraging me, volunteers being awesome and shouting.  Before I head into the shoot, I grab my number off my race belt and hold it above my head when I run down the shoot.  They say my name and they say "We see your number Anna O'Donnell, Congratulations!!"  Ashley is there cheering and the volunteers greet me with water, a cold towel and Gatorade.  I want to kiss them all.  I let them know the aid station was out of water.  They ran to deliver some.  Julie was there too! I got my medal.  We took pictures and then the girl I talked to came in and I went over and high-fived her!

Julie directed me to the ice back pool and we caught up.  Ashley took more pictures.  She was a proud bestie :-)  Loved that ice bath.  Julie said it was so nice to have each other there.

I went and collected my things and Ashley got the car.  I took pictures with another girl and we chatted for a bit.  Then I went to get a hot dog, tried to eat and couldn't just yet.

While waiting for the car, I thought about the day overall.  My goal was to get in before they penalize you for being too slow.  I wanted to feel good and stick to my plan-I did.  I thanked all the volunteers and raced with a grateful heart.  No crashes.  I completely raced there outside of my comfort zone of distance, heat and with some speedy MoFos.  I ended this race with the biggest grin, rather than the biggest tears.  I felt good.  I was with my friends and teammates.  They all crushed it.  The experience overall was so amazing.  Thank you all for the texts and FB comments.  Thank you to my dad, mom and my aunt Cheri for believing in me and helping me get to Nationals.  Thank you Ashley for being a great sherpa and cheerleader (you still got it!) and saying you are proud of me.  It means a lot.  It meant a lot that you see what I put my passion into and the love I have for this sport.  Thank you for the amazing memories we have now and the laughter until we almost peed (or maybe peed ;-))-all of this is priceless.  

Don't Let Anyone Question Your Hustle

As I sit here and write this, I am looking out my kitchen window at the community garden across the street.  Gardeners are out there all day.  Sometimes, they are even there when I leave for a workout. The garden has an amazing back drop of Mt. Helena.  They are so dedicated and hard working.  Heat and wind and they still get it done.  I will train for an Ironman, but I will not garden.  That is some hard shit.  Although, watching them is cathartic for me and I love the sense of community the space brings.  Sometimes I drink my morning coffee and just watch them.  Not creepily like my neighbor watches me, but in a good way that encourages gratitude, not mace.

Before I begin-here is the song I am loving right now.  By fellow badass, Pink.

Just Like Fire

Wow.  6 weeks has flown by (only 24 left!). However, in my 4th week is when it really hit me.  And training mode hit.  You know that mode when your priorities become food, sleep, train.....more food. My tolerance for not getting food in my is even more scary. My schedule is set and that's that.  People like it or they don't.  Many are used to it.  But, there rarely is leniency with it.  There are mornings I am up at dawn and nights I get home past 8 pm.  Please remember this girl likes to be resting most of the time by 6:30-7 pm.  So, new habits begin with training, life and food.  This is all with a demanding full time job.  From April to the end of May, I traveled 6,000 miles.  So, my tolerance for whining (unless it's me and I even tell myself to get a grip), missed appointments, inflexible schedules and such is nil.  Just the way it is.  It has to be that way.  It's not you....it's me.

My life.

Dreams need to be chased.  They aren't given to you.  There will be sweat, blood and tears. That being said, I know my journey is not yours.  I totally get it.  I realized this when training for the NYCM 2013.  I was bothered by my "friends" not asking how my training is going.  Now, I am grateful for those who ask and really don't think about those that don't.  Dreams don't work unless you do.  You are not born with grit, you create it.  In your actions, in waking up before the sun and staying up after the sun, weekend warrioring and sticking true to your plan of training, eating and self care.  I will not be going to weddings, picnics and many other things because I have made a commitment to me and this.

My loves.

I learned so much in 6 weeks.  I continue to realize I am stronger than I think.  I used to look at my plan and be like "You want me to run how long after what?" But there has been a shift.  Gotta get the miles in the bank.  The balance of rest day and where it falls.  I sometimes don't plan anything after a long ride because I don't want to be rushed and my top priorities after are eating and napping.....then showering and then maybe going out into the world.  In my job, I communicate all day and moving fast.  I need weekends to be with me and re-charge.  There are days I can't wait to get to the pool because no one can talk to me under water.  However, I love my Masters family!  I need that.

I couldn't have this dream without a strong village behind me.  Family and friends.  My Betty Sistas and close girlfriends.  Support and inspiration are part of my plan as well.  You need to support each other, not question each other.  Give high-fives and encourage people. Hug people.  Let people cry when they need to, smile more and just give love.  Thank you to all that do that.

I completed 2 sprints in the last 2 weeks.  I felt strong and raced with some great women.  These ladies range from 20s to 60s.  This last weekend, I placed 1st in my AG! There was a triathlete that was paralyzed from the hips down that competed yesterday.  Hand cycled and wheel chaired the run.  And it was rocky run.  That is badass.  That is stomping on limitations.  That is getting out there and making shit happen.  That.....is inspiration.  Now it's about training and a few road races with my next triathlon at the end of summer...or at least that is the plan now. :-)

Continue to give love and light and rise people up.  Do Epic Shit. Dream Outloud and always remember, you do you and it will all fall in place.  

Alaska Adventures

On April 14, 2016, I was able to cross something off my bucket list.  I was able to travel to Alaska. The trip was for work thrown in with a couple days of play. I wanted to hit the ground running on both.  This journey would be epic and would change a little part of me.  Also, Alaska is Montana on steroids.

But, first, this song. I am loving this right now.  Also, the video reminds of my old neighborhood in Los Angles, conveniently called The Jungle. 

 Jungle

My work sent me to Alaska for an event and to create relationships/partnerships with community contacts.  We also have driving schools up there.  With my flight delayed a day, I definitely hit the ground running once I arrived.  I wanted to make my work proud and prove that I deserved to go there.  I had great meetings and the event was great.  Nice to work with our Alaska staff and see the culture that is Alaska.  Grateful to be sent to there.  

On my days off I took advantage of what people told me to see.  I went whale watching on my first day.  I traveled to Seward to do this.  The road takes you right by the ocean and through mountains with glimpses of glaciers.  It was the most beautiful drive I have ever been on.  Ever.  I would take pictures of everything around me.  The snow capped mountains, the crisp blue and green water, the blue skies and I swear I felt so close to the sun.  The light there is indescribable.  Pure magic.  When I was driving the sun would occasionally dip behind the mountains and when it did this, it would feel like 8 o'clock at night.  That is how much it lights up the sky.  Powerful. No filters on any pictures!

I sat with a mom and daughter at my table on the whale watching trip.  They were a lot of fun and I couldn't have asked for better people.  Anytime I am near water or on water I feel at peace and right at home.  This explains my love for swimming.  It was beautiful out.  Clear and sunny.  We saw sea otters, sea lions and gray and humpback whales.  It was awesome.  I wish I could think of a better word for this experience, but I just can't.  Seeing these huge creatures in their natural habitat was pure awesomeness.  Another thing checked off my bucket list. At one point, when they blew water out, it hit the sun just right and looked like a rainbow. AWESOME.  On the drive up there I also made a detour to Exit Glacier.  I got as close as I could, since the road was closed down for snow still.  I got out of the car and explored.  You could hear all the animals around you echoing off the glaciers.  I just closed my eyes and listened and breathed.  I did this for short periods only because I didn't want to get eaten.  That would not have been fun nor was it on the itinerary.  But, it was extraordinary to be out there and so close to the glaciers.  I have never felt so tiny and so awed at the same time.  Memorable feeling.

Earlier in the week I was able to hit the Anchorage museum after our event and it was a free day! I also had dinner by the ocean and hit up the Tony Knowles Coastal Trail.  I wanted to bike this, but the bike rentals weren't available yet.  I also ran a bit on this trail.  Very pretty.  Then I sat on this bench to lookout over the ocean and inhaled and exhaled the experience.  You need to do this.  Sometimes we are so busy taking pictures and not really living in the moment.  Then I looked down and saw this on the bench.  Sometimes the universe plainly writes its message out for you.

This opened up Tuesday for me.  I decided to hike up to Flat Top.  This lookout allows you to over look the whole town and inlets.  I saw Denali a few times on this trip and you could see it from here as well.  Then Fire Island.  And of course you are right next to these great mountains again.  I just sat on of the rocks and took it all in.  Yes, again I closed my eyes. This allows me to really be in the moment and center myself.  Then on the other side of the lookout, a storm was coming in and that was amazing to watch.  It rolled in-between the mountains and looked fierce. I imagined what it would be like climbing the mountain and have that roll up on you.  Once again, felt so tiny in the space around me. After exploring I went to the Snow City Cafe and sat at the counter and befriended an older gentleman.  That is what I like about vacationing by myself.  You are completely open to anything.  And you are on your own schedule.  He was a nice and ordered the same thing every day and got a punch on his card.  He said "You know, after 11 breakfasts, the 12 is free."  Someone who orders the same thing and loves a goal of free food-it was like hanging out with me!  Overall, I found Alaskans to be very nice.  I did notice it is a port town for airlines.  The gentleman asked me if I was a flight attendant.   I told him I was an explorer (after I told him I was there for work-ha!).  But, I sat at the counter with my coffee and breakfast and journaled a mantra that came to me earlier on Flat Top.  I had so many thoughts and creative juices flowing on this trip, I wanted to make sure I captured them.  Being completely open does that for you. 

Then I hit this amazing cycling class I had been eyeing.  I do have traditions when I travel.  I must see if there is a lululemon.  I must find a yoga studio.  I must run.  Cycling and swimming are just bonuses.  The reason I had my eye on this class was because it was like Soul Cycle.  Two big screens with everyone's bike number so you see what place you are in the class in terms how hard you are working and then would switch to your power meters.  That was awesome.  Then someone help you to your bike and make sure you are set up correctly.  Basically felt like spa cycling! But, then a guy comes in to teach, in a trucker hat and starts becoming a DJ and cycling at the same time.  Cool remixes, techno and house music.  I was in heaven and he adjusted the lights to florescent at times. Fun hip hop cycling and I busted my butt.  We need that here.  It was everything I imagined it would be.  I did their yoga class on Monday.    Legit set ups and so much room, clean dressing rooms and showers.  If you go to Anchorage, check out Anchorage Yoga and Cycle

Wednesday I decided to head back up to Seward to see the Sea Life Center and explore the town.  I love animals and mammals, so I could have stayed there all day.  It was fun.  I wanted to see puffins on this trip and I did.  I also watched this sea lion swim laps and keep swimming.  He would look for me on each loop, pretty sure he loved my hot pink Betty hat.  When he would pass me he would close his eyes and keep swimming his circles.  He was having a fine day and so content.  I think he loved showing off, but also he just seemed peaceful.  It was amazing to see something that big swim so close to you and be that close to eye contact.  Once again, felt so small and it was awesome.

I then walked through the town and headed out after lunch.  I wanted to get to the Wildlife Conservatory.  This place helped animals that had been injured.  I was excited, because besides whales and puffins, I really wanted to see an Alaska moose.  Upon getting there, they give you a map and you can drive or walk the loops to see the animals.  It was about 1.5 miles, so I decided to walk. I went directly to the moose.  They were so big.  I talked to one and it came over to me and hung out near me, then went over to the side and peed in the water.  Then it looked back at me.  I told him it was cool and don't be embarrassed.  I pee in water too! (Triathlete-hello). Hung out with the rest of them for a minute and then went on to explore some more.  Saw black bear, bison, muskox, gray wolf, caribou, bald eagle, owls and a possum.  All of it was very cool.  I then circled back to the moose.  I hung out there a bit more and then said goodbye.

One the way back, I stopped at some pullouts and took in the miraculous views of the landscape again. I couldn't get enough of it.  I wanted to keep breathing it in, like somehow I could take it with me. But, in my heart I knew I would.  I knew this was just what I needed.  A pause to my life.  A moment to breathe and unplug.  This trip gave me inspiration to take a baby step to a possible dream project.  I gained the clarity of gratefulness to live on this amazing planet and I felt so lucky to be there, in these moments.  I still think about the air, the sun and the mountains in Alaska.  The crispness of the scenery filling my lungs as I closed my eyes.  Sometimes we need to be reminded how small we are to imagine how big we can be.  Dream big. Dream out loud. Breathe deep. Be present and surrender to the vastness of your surroundings.  

  

The Gift Of Running

I often hear how sport has changed or saved someone's life.  I would understand this only on the surface level of emotion, until it did just that for me.  The sport was running.  The year was 2013.  I think of this time fondly and hold it sacred.

But, before I get into how training for the NYCM was a journey that changed my world, new song.

Sit Still, Look Pretty


I am going to share a poem that came across my computer this week.  It inspired this post and this picture of my shoes situation.

Hello, love. I got you a present. Oh, I hope you like it! I thought it would be perfect for you. It looks small, but don’t assume. Go on, open it!

It is a Mountain - for you to stand tall, proud, and confident on.
It is a Voice - for you to use when you need to speak your mind.
It is Truth - for you to live by, day in and day out.
It is Humility - for you to admit your weaknesses and wrongdoings.
It is Friendship - to connect to others over your shared passion.
It is Generosity - for when you want to share yourself with the world.
It is a Sob - for when your world brings you to your knees.
It is a Scream - for when your rage consumes you and demands to be released.
It is Gratitude - for when your heart swells so big with love you’re afraid it will burst.

.....What’s that?
Oh, I know all these presents LOOK like a pair of sneakers, but trust me on this one. 

Running is a gift, because it can be anything you need it to be.

I still have the hot pink Asics Nimbus that I ran the NYCM in the pile of shoes I own by my door (under the second set of shoes-HA).  I keep them for many reasons.  I keep them because they carried me on a journey that I never expected to be on.  They carried me to a finish line that was 20 some weeks in the making.  They gave me hope. They listened when I complained and helped me keep going when I didn't think I had anything left in the tank.  They healed my heart and soul and eventually taught me to fall in love again....with my self.

I know I have mentioned this in previous posts, but just to recap.  I had watched the NYCM on the TV for years and had entered the lottery and not got in 2 times.  Beginning of 2013, I made my first vision board beginning of 2013.  I had cut these shoes out, the Asic Nimbus in hot pink, because I liked them.  At the time I was a Brooks runner.  Didn't think much of it.  Also, in 2013 my contract with my job ended.  Also, it was the end of a relationship with a guy that I thought could be my last relationship.  That was a slow death, but nonetheless, very painful.  Not so much the end, but the end of what I envisioned for my world.  I was sad, scared and crumbled.  This was March.  In May, I went in to my local running store and said I needed a change.  Everything around me was changing, why not my running shoe.  I walked out with-yep you guessed it, the hot pink Asic Nimbus.  I had only realized a while later that this was the shoe on my vision board.  Two and half weeks later I was accepted into the NYCM.  Amazing that two months earlier I had no direction...of anything.  And now I could focus on training and my Masters.  I did take a break from work during this time and just trained.  Knowing that kind of opportunity would not present itself again in the future for a long time.

I began running and training.  My heart and world still a little shaky.  But, I documented the process and people began following it and rooting for me.  For the first time I was called inspiring.  I was just out there putting in miles and chasing healing.  I remember telling my friend Tami that I was learning to love myself again and feel strong.  She gave me a word for this time-Surrender.  For an A type personality, that was a lesson in itself.  But, I focused on it.  A pair of running shoes created more possibilities than I could have ever imagined.  Each week I started to believe in myself and that I could reach that finish line.  My body changed without me really thinking of it.  My soul shined and heart healed.  I was a different girl at the end of that training.  Stronger.  Happier.  Goal Setter.

This trail is right outside my house.  No filter.  Montana is for Badasses.

My favorite pair of shoes has done all the things listed in the poem above and so much more.  That is why I keep the sneakers and wear them.  To be proud.  To remember how far I have come.  To remind me that possibilities are endless, if we just take the first step.

Badass Pool Therapy

Well, these last 2 months have been a ride.  Sometimes a roller coaster, other times a joy ride; but mostly an up and down, spinning ride.  Now, I feel like I am off it and getting my footing, without the stomach queasiness.  

But, before I jump in (literally), a song for your enjoyment.

Faded

Now, that it has become official, I can let the world wide web know.  The company I work for merged, with another club in the organization.  I knew this was happening last year, but end of December, beginning of January, I became concerned with my role.  For many reasons.  When one hears merger it triggers the fight in flight in people, or at least people such as myself.  And, not only did we merge, but we hired a new advertising agency as well.  Change can be scary and exciting. But, scared usually comes first.  I had so many questions-"Am I losing my job?  Are others losing their job? If I don't lose my job, how would it be changing?"  That was just the tip of the iceberg in my over analyzing mind.  

There were meetings and more meetings, then meetings to discuss these meetings.  There was feedback, there were goals, there was growing and push back and then, there were tears.  I had only told a couple close friends that this was going on and of course my parents.  I asked for prayers and fingers crossed from Betty Teammates about the general feedback sessions that were going on.  I could feel their strength.  One of my closest friends and mentors offered hugs and advice and her fortitude gave me solid footing.  My parents, both held higher positions in their own organizations, gave me knowledge and wisdom.  Still there were tears, fear and uncertainty.

Those two months I walked on eggshells and stomach problems and didn't sleep. My boss says feedback is a gift.  Sometimes it's hard to receive that gift.  The merger meant higher expectations. I had no idea if I would have a job.  I felt disappointed, others felt disappointed.  I sat in meetings where expectations were laid out, feedback was given and then I was left to process and report back. So, I do what I do best.  I jumped in a pool, drowned out the noise, focused on the black line at the bottom of a pool and processed, meditated and devised a plan.  There were many sessions of this. I took solace with my Master Swimming group, to be with people who didn't talk merger or growth, but rather the big debate was going first.  I have mourned and celebrated in a pool staring at the black line.  During this time, I also developed a tradition of swimming by myself on Sundays.  Bright and early.  Usually just me in the pool.  It's my time.  It's my church.  The sun came up with each lap a little bit more and reflected in the water and there was calmness.  I prayed more, I took time during this ritual to re-group my energy and devise my comeback. A plan that stayed true to my spirit and my authentic self and yet, performed at a much higher pace and proof that I was up to the challenge that was in front of me.  

There are two things you can do when someone/something challenges you to up your game-you can shrink or you can become a badass.  I chose the second.  I was done with not sleeping, stomach issues, tears and walking on eggshells.  I needed to take ownership of my brand, the very thing I teach my peers and those in my life.  You are your brand.  Own it.  And, to be completely honest with this, I let my brand slip over the last few months.  The very thing I was feeling at work, I was feeling outside of work in certain situations.  But, it was time to let it go.

Pool therapy is the best.  So cathartic. No one can really talk to you and you aren't expected to talk or to talk very long.  It's you and the water, listening to your body, looking at the black line, working on your stroke, your breathing, your kick, your rotation, your push off and essentially, yourself. So, being my badass self, I kept swimming, I kept attending my church, I kept surrounding myself and confiding in other badass women-my tribe.  

And, I did the next logical step-I listened to a book that my fellow badasses had read.  I love audio books.  I listen to them to and from work, while I clean and when I travel.  And the above-mentioned book for me was a game changer.  

And you can get yours here: You are a Badass

This woman was me.  In short, it helped me get out of my work rut, out of my own head and I outlined how I would be kicking ass at my-more demanding-high speed-job and essentially in many ways gave me the courage to devise a plan to kick more ass and be even more badass at my own life. All of which are thrilling and in new ways-scary.  But, if we aren't growing and standing up to shrinking, then what are we doing? 

I also continued reading Rising Strong by Brene' Brown.  This book is also amazing.  Brown reminds us that it's human nature to fall and then we must get the hell up. There is no shame to dust yourself off.  Re-group. Re-focus.  Breathe. 

We need moments that make us stop and catch our breath.  We need new opportunities, we need to be pushed and I know I definitely needed to be pushed and scared to be able grow. Complacency is what should scare us.  But, I know that I have the tools to jump in and be better, just like in the pool. So, here is to putting it all out there and being more badass.