The Highest of Highs to the Lowest of Lows

Now that 2017 has started and New Years resolutions have begun...well most of them, it's time to reflect a bit and look forward to the future.


But, first...here is my new favorite song and deemed appropriate for this post.

Unstoppable

Well, 2016, I hardly knew ya.  Actually this was the best year for me.  Well, best 11 months months that is.  I hit the ground running with the dream of Ironman January 2nd and never looked back. Learned so much about myself and what I am capable of mentally and physically.  Even though I toned down my racing to keep my focus on training, I had an epic year in my own way.  I placed first in my AG in a sprint, therefore I was offered a chance to go race at Nationals in the middle of summer in humid and beautiful Omaha.  Who would pass that up?  Seriously though, it was an amazing experience that put me out of my comfort zone.  I didn't like the Olympic distance and I did my best one there and I just soaked up the experience, because if you look around at those racing for Team USA it can make you dizzy.  Then a couple weeks later I podiumed at a 70.3 with getting 3rd in my AG.  And met some great people from Montana that made the trip as a whole awesome.  Then I had of course, Ironman AZ (race report in the previous blog post).  What a great year!! I couldn't have asked for a better year.  I loved training by myself for the most of part and I was in the best shape of my life. Plus , I traveled and trained in some great places: Alaska, Jackson Hole, Detroit, Iowa, South Dakota, Omaha, Washington and Idaho.

Upon returning from Ironman to the real world after Thanksgiving break to my work, still high on adrenaline, I was called in to a meeting.  In this meeting I was told that the organization I was working for would be reorganizing...all of administration-at least 20 employees would be "redeployed" to look for other positions, either within the company or outside.  My boss is amazing, I just want to get that out there.  She has my back and has been a strong mentor and pushed me to grow, painfully at times and has taught me so much in this profession and with workplace politics. As she was telling me this, I could tell it wasn't easy for her.  So many questions.  Luckily this wasn't instant layoff, I have until April to find another job, with full on help from my boss and CEO and the organization as a whole. We talked more about what I mentioned above and I truly did thank her for taking a chance on someone right out of grad school. She was here for me if I needed to yell or ask any questions. I know I need 24 hours to process news to not be emotional (part of that painful learning process) and I gave myself 3 days to feel everything: uncertainty, anger, frustration, shock and wanting to burn the place down (sheesh, I am kidding).  But, here is the thing I was dealing with that the other 20+ employees weren't, I had just become an Ironman and felt like a rock star and completed a dream and goal I worked very hard for and then came back to a punch to the gut.

In the next couple weeks I processed with my parents and closest people of my tribe and my Betty Sisters.  But, I was still struggling with the ebb and flow of the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. I need more help unraveling this.  Because add into what I already mentioned, I was also suffering from Ironman blues.  My A race was over and my life as a regimented athlete was done, so what the hell was I supposed to do? How do I workout without a plan and only for a hour or so?  Who does this?  This is very common. My co-worker recommended a therapist through our program at work and I scheduled an appointment.  I was a hot mess and needed someone to tell me what to do-like a workout for my brain of sorts.  The anxiety I was feeling over my job loss, end of Ironman (where you felt like a rockstar) and essentially becoming integrated into society.  Yes, you read that right? For someone who has trained a whole year and mainly in the rabbit hole by herself, it was hard for me to not only get out of that routine, but meet up with people again. For so long I would train, eat and sleep. I gave up social contact on many levels. So, I started seeing her and instantly we started processing all the layers of my last year and last month.  It all came to a head at the end of December-the emotional and physical toll of Ironman, finding motivation, find a direction to go in training, to finally losing my job. It was a Tuesday and a work friend's last day and everyone was going out and I was like "Tuesday is swim night, sorry guys." I went to Master Swim and had a miserable swim in that I was tired and I was angry that I was tired.  I did like 1500 or something and hopped out, not finishing the workout and I went to that showers and tried not to cry, like really tried.  I made a decision in that shower-I am taking a week off and enjoying Christmas with my family and not working out and eating what I want and getting off social.  However, the next day, the guilt settled in for not working out and of course on Wednesdays "we spin." My friend Terri was having a winter solstice party and I didn't want to go and be around everyone either (remember that integration back into society thing...).  I text her and she knew something was up.  She wrote me back a nice message and even though I struggled in being true to myself in not working out and I putting myself out there again, I went to the party.  Thanks in part to my Betty teammate Kayla for talking me into it.  And you know what?  I was there 15 min and instantly felt I made the right decision.  My Master coach showed up and put me at ease and gave me some swim tips, so #winning. This was a starting point and my therapist and I discussed it as well.  At the end of that week I felt renewed and ready to start working out again.  Nutrition is another story-damned eating whatever you want when training!

Here is what my CEO said in a meeting with everyone who would be redeployed, "You are the pioneer of your own lives." So true.  I thought to myself "I am an effing Ironman, I can certainly look for another job."  But, it took a bit to process the anger ebb and flow with moving forward-thank you therapist.

But, even in the last year of training, I told myself that 2017 is going to be a creative year for me. I had such an amazing trip to Alaska this year and I made intentions while feeling so small next to glaciers and I breathed in and out. I honored that space and my thoughts. That means a project that I am starting that only my childhood bestie and my therapist know about was to be my underlying focus and I have a few other creative endeavors I am working on. In terms of where to look for work, well this is the time to make bold choices and scary ones.  Ones that may take me away from Helena, but now is the time.  My therapist says I have adjustment disorder-does that come with snacks?  Seriously though as we work together to get me to the next phase of life both professionally and creatively, I am ready.  My boss is helping as well, making sure we have the tools and resources and her recommendation.  So, I cut the Ironman bracelet off and I am ready for the next chapter of working hard for another dream..and of course a new job.  Onward!