LA Marathon Race Report

Oh, it was good to be in Cali again.....it was so good to leave it as well. Before I start the re-cap of race events, I will leave you with this song, which I started out the race with...Enjoy

Centuries

Yes, I know, I listened to music.  I listened to music through the second half of my training.  I never usually listen to music when I run.  But, I did pick it up again this training.  Many reasons-mainly to get outside my own head and not think of the pain at times-when there was pain. So, the race report.

I woke up at 3:45 a.m. to start my routine.  Heat the Achilles, drink my drink, check Facebook...breathe....breathe some more.  I have to admit, I was nervous about this race.  Yes, every race there is some nervousness, but the heat factor of this race made me question crossing the finish line.  My first DNF?  Who am I, Ryan Hall? No..HAHA but, I knew that I had to play it safe with this race-we trained in much cooler weather and even negative degrees at times; so coming into 90 degree weather was intimidating.  I laid out my gear the night before..it's funny what will send a runner into a panic-"Where the hell are the safety pins...I picked up more at the expo..where the fuck are they?!...great..don't panic..go to the front desk..and pray to God."  However, I would have not finished and probably taken a DNF if I knew that T.O. was on the course.  How did I miss this! But, luckily I did.  I love him.

Amazingly, Kelli and I both slept really good the night before.  I think we wore ourselves out walking and thinking of the race...oh and stalking Heather Lieberg.  I was putting on my gear and Kelli got up and we finished our routines and getting ready.  We put on our old clothes we were going to donate-only to be sweating by the second block to the bus.  Pants off at the bus line.  On the bus we go to the start.

We got off the bus and I needed to find the gear check.  Then bathroom line..then we headed to the start.  I hugged Kelli, wished her good luck, then went to the side to start.  I met a nice Asian boy and we talked and that calmed my nerves.  The other thing I liked-it was just a enough time to do what we needed before the start.  In the NYC Marathon, it was such a long transport and wait that nerves set in, but it was good to watch the amazement of the NYC Marathon-which can never really be matched.

Horn goes off and we start.  Sweating by mile 1.  Okay, this is not good.  Stay calm and be smart.  I just told myself to stick to my hydration schedule.    There were more hills than I thought.  Which is okay because we train on hills a lot here.  The decent is brutal on the quads though.  It was amazing running through my old neighborhoods and areas I used to go to.  That made me smile.  Running through streets and people cheering or eating brunch cheering us on!  The community came out and had mist bottles, fruit, water and the most coveted thing ever-ice and Popsicles.  I will never take these things for granted again.  I remember running and looking over at a runner and she had ice and I was so jealous.  Where did she get that?!  Keep your eyes open O'Donnell!! Focus!  I then would grab ice and Popsicles and put them in my bra.  Once one canteen ( I had 2) was done with my electrolyte drink I used it to keep water in at the re-fill stations.  There was so many in the medical tents and on the side of the course-it was like watching a movie on a Ultra-Marathon.  I poured water on me as much as I drank it.  I tried to hit every and every hose that the fireman had going.  It was a shock of revitalization. I knew that pouring water on me would lead to chaffing with my shorts, but I picked the lesser of two evils-or so I thought until I hopped in to the shower and wanted to pee and cry at the same time. I saw Marc, Kelli's husband, at a point and waved.  It was so cool to have someone out there cheering for us.  I wondered where Kelli was as I saw the pacer by me at times.  I hope she was doing well.  I always swell in the heat.  I could tell my arm was rubbing my tank top sleeve and my fitness belt would leave marks letting me know it was there as well.  Even my calves were sweating because it was so hot.

Then as we were in the Century City section- it was hot and there was no shade.  I could tell that my body was telling me to take it more easy.  I walked more in this section and around the Veteran section.  As did many at this point.  But then around 20 I picked it up again.  It's only a 10k I told myself.  Keep moving your arms, keep moving your feet-even though it would be soon that they hurt. I put that out of my head and took in the crowds.  I thought of my dad who just walked a 10k in a race the day before, I thought about my mom tracking my progress at home, and my friends who trained with us and everyone we care about cheering for us back home.  I would be lying if every time I do a marathon that I don't think about Luke Roach.  My Carroll family will know exactly what I am talking about. I always dedicate one mile to that man. But, for others,here is the link:
http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2002-01-07/news/0201070002_1_heat-stroke-heat-illness-medical-examiner

I started my Garmin at the first line at the beginning-thinking that was the start-so my Garmin was a bit ahead.  But once I was coming off mile 25 and rolling down to 26 I could see and feel the breeze of the ocean.  I am almost there-stadium to the sea is the motto of the LA Marathon-we start at Dodgers Stadium.  I picked up the pace a bit but slowly carried it in-feet hurting and all. Of course right before the finish my empty canteen fell out of my fuel belt on to the ground.  I had to grab it as fast as I could and finish.  At that point, fast is not fast.  Fast is hoping you can get back up.  And I would just like Marathon Photo for those great shots.  I finished!!! I made it to the gear check and took off my shoes-ok, not bloody, a few blisters, have all my toenails-some were black though.  The tiny toes-damn downhills!!  Flip Flops on and headed to meet Kelli.  I waddled up to the finish hoping to see her finish, but I missed her.  The finish seemed so far far away from the gear truck.  But we met in the beer garden.  We sat down and enjoyed our free beer. We did it.  We finished and we did it in extreme heat, so we get more badass points for that. Kelli told me that if she had her phone in the beginning she would have called her husband to get her.  She was lightheaded.  I am proud that she stuck it out.  That we can both wear (and milk) our medals!

Nice salt stain on the shorts

I was a little more sore than NYC the next morning-but guessing that is from the hills and heat. Nothing Aleve and rolling didn't fix.  This was marathon #2 for both of us.  Glad I could train and do this with a friend.  It was a fun-honestly it was. And like every race, you wonder why the heck you signed up for this torture when you are in it and once you cross the finish line you wonder when you can do another.

Hitting The Mat

As I sit here, just back from a hot yoga class, I am drinking my herbal tea-I know how very yogi of me.  I love yoga.  I should take that back.  I like yoga, I love hot yoga.

I was first really introduced to yoga my senior year at Carroll.  Yes, the one class I needed to graduate was only offered the spring semester of the year of the rat during just the perfect summer solstice.  So, I needed 10 more credits to keep my scholarship.  I conned my friend Kenric into taking Water Safety Instructor with me since we were already life guarding at the YMCA and teaching lessons.  It was our chance to shine and eventually get another .50 cents on our paycheck.  I also chose to take yoga.  And some other random ones in my minor of Philosophy.  Yes, my parents were so proud that I was getting a yoga education at a private college.  CHA-CHING!

Then, picked up the love of yoga again while living in LA.  I think that yoga is mandatory to live there...to carry a mat, wear dark shades and drink Kambucha. Still I loved the synergy of my mind and body.  I was hooked.  Upon moving back to Billings, I continued my daily once a week practice. Incorporating it in my life as routine.  

In 2011, I started Hot Yoga.  I didn't really incorporate it too much because of my job and would try to hit a class here or there.  It wasn't until summer of 2013 that I really worked it into my life.  At that time I needed balance in my life and calmness.  Plus, I started marathon training for the first time and it was a good contrast to pounding the pavement.  A mental break and a body break..of sorts.  I attribute it to healing and staying injury free.  Now, I do everything I can to take multiple classes. Out of all the things I have done athletically, I am most proud of the time I hit my mat and see what my body is capable of.  And sweat my ass off...well...at least the water weight of my ass.  I set many intentions through out classes over time: Thanking my body, quieting my mind, stretch out my hips and that damn right shoulder.  It's a great core exercise and let's just say it, you look like a bad ass balancing your body weight on your forearms.  I am still working on fully nailing crow pose. But, most of all, I am not afraid to fall...to fail...because it's just me...and my mat.  Why do I love hot yoga?  I love it because I detox my body.  And I love it because it allows me to go deeper since my muscles are warm.  I get a greater benefit of my body all around.  The best thing is, I have been inspired, humbled, cried, scared, proud and healed a hurt ego and heart on that mat.  I have deepened friendships and created new ones...on that mat.  I have said that my running feet show hard earned miles, my cycling feet say the same and "I need to repaint my toenails and shave my legs" on that mat..don't deny you do it too.  There is no competition on the mat.  Life is shut out for 60-90 minutes of pure sweat and intention.  I have been mentored by some amazing teachers and yogis. Yoga has made me more grateful and thoughtful.  I know, can you imagine me before?!  

So, go to a class-yoga or hot yoga..and transform your perspective of yourself.  Be present.  Believe in the Power of Now.  And walk out better than you walked in.  

Namaste.

The Road to the LA Marathon 2015

Well, it's the day after the 20 miler.  Thank goodness for Aleve, Epsom Salts and Hot Yoga.  I am not too bad.  The 20 miler is a mental thing. Anyone who tells you it's not, is lying and you have every right to tell them to their face that they are a liar.   I heard a song in my  hot yoga class this morning. It resonated with how I am feeling right now, in this moment.  Plus, it's an old school Counting Crows song.  Therefore, I may also feel like putting on a flannel and hitting a college class tomorrow :-).  Enjoy.

Color Blind

I was a little nervous for the 20 miler.  It's the last of the real long runs.  It's the run where you have been on your feet the longest.  20 milers take no prisoners.  It took me two days to shake our 18.5 miler.  I feel apart at 15.5 miles.  It was hot and we hadn't trained for that yet.  I was dehydrated, behind on my fueling and I walked more than I had yet on any run.  That combination mind fucked me for two days.  But, I finished.  My partner finished.  It took me 4 days to feel normal from being dehydrated.  You have to let the bad runs go and move on.  Our next 14 miler was great.  Our 20 miler went well.  I am very happy with it.  That does not mean it didn't hurt.  That does not mean I didn't want to quite at 11 miles.  I just told myself, "One foot in front of the other.  Keep pumping your arms."  It was nice that my training partner and I stayed together and talked the whole way. Someone to distract you and just talk for over 4 hours was needed.  We then celebrated with food at Steve's Cafe.  Then I went home and recovered, napped and eventually showered.

This is the first race that I have really trained for while working a full time job.  I started the job and training essentially the same week.  That was challenging of itself.  Finding time to train for the marathon, keep up some form of Triathlon training and keep sane-proved difficult at times.  Anyone who has trained for a race knows there are ebbs and flows of emotion-ranging from happy-tears-hungry-hangry-beyond exhausted.  There was one point I tried not to cry in Old Navy...yes actually had to tell myself not to fall apart in Old Navy because I was hangry.

But, all through the soreness and the above-mentioned emotional distress, I am glad I have a friend who asked me to do this.  I am not running for time, I am running to finish.  We have had cooler temps here and snow-where LA has had heat.  By 7 am there it is already 60 degrees if not close to it. I know we have the advantage of training in altitude and sea level will help, but it will be hot and we may melt.  But you can't change the weather, you can only change your attitude.  So, I will enjoy every minute and embrace the pain and smile.  I have enjoyed the journey and I will in enjoy the trip to LA and the trip to the finish line.  Thank you to everyone who has shared miles with us.  Thank you Kelli for our talks on our runs and pushing me to complete this with you.

Best part of winter training-Cookie Runs!  Here are just some of the pictures we took after our runs!

Just like the song says-I am ready, I am ready.  We are ready.  #LA2015

The Art of Letting Go.

Below is a song that I have stumbled upon again.  I love Eminem and he gets me through many workouts.  Enjoy one of my favorites, especially running hills.  And just an awesome life song.
Till' I Collapse

Well, the new year is upon us and the first month is almost over.  The new year brings new beginnings, new promises and.....new endings.  Sometimes you can't have a new beginning without an ending.  I am a little bit hesitant of New Years Resolutions.  Why?  Maybe the fear of failure. Maybe I feel like I should be continually be working on things throughout the year and not let them slide because I know I can start again.  Basically, it's like a diet :-) So, I make quiet promises to myself and goals to achieve. I actually write them down in a book.  I rarely share them.  But one of my mantras for 2015 is Letting Go.  That is a big one.  But I have broke it down in many subsections. Like, letting go the fact that my neighbors after a year don't understand the parking rules.  The old Anna would have fought the battle based on principle.  That is how I was raised.  But, just as my parents taught me that, they are now teaching me to pick some battles and let others go.  I think we are all getting older and wiser.  Well, at least they are.

Already this year, especially this last week, I have had to deal with letting go and helping others let things go.  I was there when one my closest running and life friends let go of his father this week. Saying goodbye and choosing to celebrate his father's life.  My friend has the best outlook on it.  It wasn't a sudden death, which can be a blessing and curse at the same time.  He handled it with grace and compassion.  Choosing to honor his father's life.  That man raised a good son.

This week I also helped one of my best friends work through one of the hardest things she has had to deal with-a cheating spouse.  Decisions had to be made.  Tears are still falling.  Shock.  Disbelief. Anger....Mourning.  My friend and I talked about how we always told ourselves we would leave in that situation.  However, one of us is confronted with it.  Dynamics have changed.  Lives altered.  I told her I would stand by her no matter what.  I did tell her she will have the fight of her life to save that marriage.  They both want to fight, luckily.  I love this girl.  She has picked me up many times from the bathroom floor with my heart ripped out.  Now, I will pick her up.  She and her husband are already on the path of therapy and making changes and spilling their guts.  Being so open and raw that it's just painful to speak the words.  I told her after time she will have to let it go.  To truly move forward.  That within itself will be a battle, but one worth fighting.  I was in disbelief, but not angry at this man.  What the what?! I know.  I am not angry because this couple means so much to me and I have spent time with them and see the underlying love.  I have been there since the beginning and I know it was a slip up and not a breaking point.  And I know he loves my friend and they will both work on things and let others go.  It won't be overnight, but it will happen.  But as my favorite saying goes: "Nothing worth fighting for is easy."

Lastly, this week, I had to let go of a friendship.  A friendship that I cared for and enjoyed.  However, there was a trust broken.  And she wasn't the only one to participate. So, I am still thinking how I want to handle the other party.  But the other party is the lesser of two evils.  My friend was sneaky and lied.  You want to piss me off do these things: be sneaky, don't communicate and lie.  I told one of my besties and some close running friends that she lied-their response-OH SHIT.  Because they know my tolerance for that is so low.  Once trust is broken and someone doesn't keep their word, you (me) as a person need to decided if that behavior will be tolerated.  Unfortunately, this is not the first time I have seen this person's stories not add up.  The analytic thinker in me (still thinking I should have been a lawyer) recognizes quickly when shit doesn't add up.  Sometimes you let it go, other times you don't.  I gave this person several days to reach out.  They knew I was upset.  Nothing.  So, on the fifth day I decided to let it go-and by that I mean, let it go from my presence.  So, I called her out on her lies and inconsistent stories.  It was sad.  You can tell reading it that I was disappointed.  My friends and I have supported her in every new idea, adventure and turmoil that she encounters. Only to have this. I have my own reaction to people being deceitful to me, but it when it effects other people's plans and money commitments, besides my own, then I get really upset.  She read the message and as one my running freak friends said, "she won't be accountable." And she hasn't.  But it was more about me stopping that behavior-at least to me.  It wasn't right and as a grown woman she should know better. She did I am sure, they both probably did, but chose to act differently.  So, I let her go.  Let the fact that she did this go.  People who continue that behavior will never learn.  We all have a right and a responsibility for how people treat us. Once I wrote it and sent it, haven't thought about it much since. She knows she is wrong-they both should know that.  I am content. Quality over quantity.

So, letting go has many different forms.  Many different levels.  Many different variables.  But, we need to support the ones we care about and love on how and who they choose to let go.
Namsté

These Are Just A Few Of My Favorite Things....

This about the time of year I think of all the things I want to accomplish in 2015.  The things I want to fearlessly try and the things I want to challenge myself on to be better than 2014. And right now I am loving this song and it shall be my anthem for all things 2015.  I have long had a love affair with One Republic and I know the lead singer wants to marry me and write songs about us.  But, I digress. This video is amazing as well.  Enjoy.
One Republic-I Lived


Lance Armstrong once said (paraphrasing), "Endurance athletes are usually running from something." I think it's a bit of both.  I know for myself and others that I share miles either in the pool, bike or run and on my yoga mat that we are striving to be better and we are chasing the best version of ourselves. I often tell people I feel most proud of my body in a Yoga class.  Even after Half Iroman and Marathon and numerous races in-between, I honor my body on that mat.  Yoga is about me and learning to let go of the ego.  My yoga practice changes depending on training.  In the few months that I don't really train for anything I focus on harder poses and the pushing myself in my class.  In my training phases, such as now, I look for a more restorative Vinyasa or Baptiste class. My intention before class is to thank my body for my long run the day before and provide a sense of balance and peace to my day. It was this time last year I received my first Hot Yoga Mat (and I could say goodbye to my old mat!)  It's amazing that this piece of material has taught me so much.  

Most everyone knows I am training for the LA Marathon.  It will be good to get back to the city I lived in for a few years.  My old stomping grounds of sorts.  I am excited to complete my 2nd Marathon.  It's only part of what I have planned for 2015.  The rest will be revealed shortly.  I have been blowing up Instagram and FB with my road to LA.  I think it is important to relish in your personal achievements and goals.  So, with new training plans and goals.....comes new gear!!
I have been an Asics athlete since 2013.  I felt I needed a shake up from my Brooks days.  And just like then, I felt a change was needed possibly in my running shoe.  I saw these great pink shoes on the elite crossing the NYCM (my first marathon!) on TV and I instantly felt like I needed to be Kenyan and this was the way to do it!!!  We all feel Kenyan in our own right, right?  Then this shoe started popping up more in my research and all around on my Instagram followers and a runner in my own community that I respect said she loved them.  Done.  I have switched to the Adidas Energy Boost 2.0...in hot pink of course.

First run out with them was a 10 Miler.  I know, new shoe on a long run?!  I thought I would try it and packed my Asics as well, just in case.  I flew on that run (for me) and it was nice to have a lighter shoe.  I do feel that I am cheating on Asics (And my crush Pro-Triathlete Andy Potts), but like with any new relationship, let's just see where this goes.  I still have my Asics as a backup  (like any single girl, always have options)...But when I get to LA, I hope to tell Andy Potts personally since he already knows I will be there.

The other new gear that I am loving now is my Nike compression socks.  Now, I was a sworn compression sleeve girl.  Mainly because I could wear my own socks and the one pair of compression socks made my feet hot.  But, I spotted these on Instagram and bought out the remaining pairs at my supply house I use.  Plus, the they have hot pink in them and tell you what foot they go on! Ha! I heart them.  So do my calves and achilles.

Lastly, my new favorite running/yoga leggings.  I have some Instagram friends that have these and raved about them.  I caved.  They are bright and well, pretty much amazing.  So soft and well fitted. Plus, they let me add even more color in my daily and running wardrobe, like I wasn't already a hot pink neon sign walking around everywhere.

Lastly, I came across this picture of me and my teammates finishing our first sprint triathlon.  I am on a female committee to put on the first All Women Triathlon in my hometown and when sharing my first triathlon story, I found this gem. Life changing.

Okay, lastly for real. I love Ipsy product bag every month-it's like a party in a box and they have the coolest cards.

These are just a few of my favorite things and maybe they will become your favorite things.  Because lets face it, new gear always revitalizes your motivation to go out and crush it.

Murphy's Law

Been a crazy month, that is for sure.  Here is a song I am loving right now.  I have an extended version on my IPhone-that way I have more of the song to listen to on a run.  I love Beyoncé and this is one of the songs for Fifty Shades of Grey.  I have ran a lot to this song on the treadmill during this last cold week.  I also love house music and this has some influence in it.  Enjoy:
Haunted

September had me in a lot of tears, mainly due to frustration.  Tears of not understanding why I wasn't be hired.  I mean my resumé exuded awesomeness, right?  I was just one resumé away from including one of my old headshots so they knew what I looked like at least.  I was willing to try anything.  I am so thankful for my friends that let me cry to them.  However, I also had a friend I felt was very insensitive at this time.  That was really an eye opener on that person's character.  Not everything in life is a competition and it has to be exhausting to live one's life that way-that is all I will say on that matter.  Friends helped me through that as well.  Lesson Learned.

So, I decided that I needed a face lift-well not me really, but my resumé and my cover letter.  My good friend, Jenn Phalen, who is a Rock Star for Employee Relations at the DOL offered to take a look.  It can be a little daunting to have someone point out your how you should do things better, but that is how we grow! What she sent me back was amazing.  Not only formatting, but selling points about myself that I forgot to mentioned!  So, changes made and resumé and cover letter sent off to 5 employers.  And wouldn't you know it, I got a call back from all of them, some of them had multiple positions they would like to discuss.  I went from crying and frustrated to trying to keep my schedule straight.  Oh, I should mention right before this time I made a vision board.  Yes, those who know me and have read my other posts, know that I believe in that.  I channeled all things positive and even starting reading The Power of Now.  Seemed to be paying off!

My vision board Brandi got me for my birthday.

Money, cute clothes, life changers, desk, giant leaps...

Acceptance letter and my cute hot pink skirt for my new job.

#hotpinkgirl

One company I really wanted to work for, AAA, I had sent them the old stuff before and I didn't hear anything.  Even when people I knew contacted people they knew there.  Now, I had sent in the revised documents and I got a call.  However, not for the position I initially applied for, but one that hadn't been opened yet, in my Master field of Public Relations.  Long story short, I met with this great company about both positions.  Several times.  I joked that it was like the Hunger Games interview addition.  However, it was the complete opposite.  Here is why:

AAA is family oriented.  They brand themselves on Protection.  I can't remember a time my father didn't put a AAA card in my stocking.  It has come in handy-ran out of gas, locked myself out, car break downs, hotel/travel discounts...just to name a few things I have used it for!  Also, before meeting with the President/CEO of this company, he wrote me and said he would rather just have a conversation over coffee than a formal interview.  Coffee?  Talk?  Stress Free?  Yes, please!  He bought me my beloved Americano.  I also did some research on him-has your boss been named Boss of the Year by your local Chamber of Commerce?  Mine has.  Jealous, much-ha ;-)
Cool Boss Alert

After several meetings, I was offered a job.  I jumped at this opportunity and couldn't believe it.  Still can't.  Trying not think of the other shoe dropping.  The day I accepted this position, I saw the CEO out downtown.  He hugged me and welcomed me to the team.  Yes, hugged me.  He was so excited.   I told him when my last day was at my old job and that I would start the following work day, he asked if I was sure I didn't want to some days off in-between?  What? Wow.  Nope.  I couldn't wait to start.  A few days after that I received an email from him and a call from my direct boss just to see if I needed anything and how I was doing and once again re-iterating how excited they were to have me on board.  This was a sharp contrast to the boss/place I was leaving.  Although I loved my work and my administration, I unfortunately didn't have a boss the truly believed in champion people.  Sad.

But on to bigger and better things! I am so excited to join this team and get to work.  As my friend Tami said to me: "Be uncomfortable-that is how we grow."  I am ready to do great things and be challenged.  Special thanks to the best Tri partner a girl could ask for-Diedra.  Thank you for extending my qualifications of awesomeness to your cousin at AAA, who is now my direct boss.  See people, it pays to have friends who will suffer in races with you!And you can get a lifelong friend by just sharing a swim lane together.  Thanks to my running partner Adrienna who I share love, laughter and tears with at 6 am several days a week.  And to my parents, for helping me out and to everyone who wrote kind things and listened over drinks.  This last 1 1/2 months I focused on positivity and creating good energy and I feel that has totally paid off.  Bring good energy to your world, take a moment to show compassion and embrace the small things around you-old people holding hands, a hug, a strangers smile....Everyone is fighting a battle out there-and how big it is-is irrelevant.

Love. 

A quote by my favorite author Cheryl Strayed that showed up on my friend Abby's IG account today said this:"You don't have a right to the cards you believe you should have been dealt-You have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones you're holding."  Play on, Playa.

Lessons from a brother

Before I dive into this post, which is somewhat dark, I leave you with this song.  I have listened to this song for some time lately and I think it's relevant to this post and my brother. Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oh2LWWORoiM
What a crazy couple of weeks it has been.  Two weeks ago today, I got a phone call from my mother at 1 am that my sister in law has passed away.  The pain that instantly hit my chest slowly found it's way to tears then sobbing.  Uncontrollable sobbing.  Sobbing for my sister in law, her parents, and mostly my brother.  My brother has only been on this earth for 42 years; however, the things that he has had to endure in such a short life span almost make me forget he is only 6 years older than me. He even looks older to me.  Life has definitely dealt him a hard blow.  However, the memories of our childhood are the ones filled with laughter and adventure.  And we were a team dealing with our crazy parents!

From an early age, my brother took me under his wing.  I remember when he was in 5th grade and I was in 1st, he would teach me how to read at a 5th grade level.  Teaching me his readings so I could be the smartest girl in the class. We would build forts, secret sticker clubs in our closet, hide and seek and go on grand adventures on the way to and from school.  However, like all siblings, we drove each other nuts.  I hated him for a long time for tormenting my cabbage patch doll just to see me work into a rage and eat all the brownie mix that was for my little kitchen on purpose.  My brother has the biggest heart I know of, besides my own father.  Once when my gold fish died, he went down to the ditch to refill the tank with more fish-which happened to be guppies, but nonetheless.  I also remember us playing hide and seek under clothes racks while my mom was shopping only to have my brother not come look for me and me finally getting up and looking around at age 7 and not seeing anyone.  Asshole.

My brother gave me the love of academics-although he went the Math and Science route-and I went the English/Politics/Philosophy route.  You know that smart kid in your class that took college Math as a freshman-yeah, that would be my brother.  But what I am most thankful for is the gift of running my brother gave me.  What an amazing runner.  Winning State and getting calls from colleges while in high school to come run for Brown-just to name one college.  He was asked to run with the President of the United States.  It seemed effortless and when I would get the balls to run with him during summer training-he would always be ahead of me.  He gave me strategies I often think of today in races.  He was built to run.  I had to work a bit harder.  He has been my cheerleader in all things. So proud of all my academic and athletic accomplishments.  I still remember him calling me after NYC and just telling me how awesome that was.

I always joke how my brother is sweet, sensitive and very quiet.  Very Private.  I am pretty much the complete opposite.  I am loud, tell you how it is, and can be known once in awhile as sweet.  But that is not the first word people usually use to describe me.  And I am okay with that.  You will never walk away from me without me being honest with you.  However, I am a very private person. And I guard my brother fiercely.  That is why I don't post about him on FB a lot.  I probably tell 5 people my inner most thoughts, cry in front of and hug.  I am more of a "Go Team" girl.  It's surprising to me that my brother can be all those things with such great loss throughout his life.

My brother enlisted into the military right after school.  Like my brother, I also do well with people just telling me what to do-that is why I love training plans.  I remember my brother calling me at college and saying "calling to say hi, that I love you, but this line isn't secure, so I can't talk long."  I never asked what he did or what he saw in North Korea and Iraq, just to name a few places he went. But I knew when my brother came back, he was different.  How could you not be on some level.

In his time back to the U.S. he was married and lost his youngest child while I was living in LA. Another horrible phone call.  After burying your own child-I don't think one ever gets over that loss. His marriage fell apart.  Both not handling or coping correctly with such a loss.

In recent years and in recent months, men he fought with and spent day and nights with, committed suicide.  And now, this week, we buried his current wife, my sister in law.  The details of that night my family shared with me and how my brother reacted are private; but the man is shattered.

I often think how much can one human endure in a lifetime?  I don't know.  I know my brother has a long road in front of him on many levels.  Especially, emotionally and physically.  With blow after blow in his life he hasn't managed to cope effectively.  But it is hard to ask for help situations.  I, personally don't like it.  But, I find that people are more than willingly to offer comfort and support if asked.

I am so grateful for my friends that have reached out to me.  This week has been horrible.  I think with traveling, grief, shock, stress and not eating or then not eating right, I have finally gotten run down and sick.  I think what makes me the most sad is that I cannot imagine the amount of loss in my brother's life and especially losing a wife, that was your high school sweetheart.  After dating in high school, then going their separate ways, they found each other again.

I hope and pray for my brother and his journey into recovery and healing.  I guess that is the most valuable lesson he has taught me-to be resilient.  To pick yourself up, to keep going-even if it is a snails pace.  Enjoy the pics!