But, first this song. I am digging this right now.
White Flag
Where to begin? Let's start here. It really started in the fall of 2016. That urge. The nudge. You know what I am talking about. That feeling that you want more, need more and dare I say it...you need change. Change is scary even when your natural setting doesn't change at all. Little did I know that the first little nudge would come only a month after that first feeling I had. This slight tapping came in the form of AAA laying off people. This was the first glimpse that universe was trying to tell me something. Was this my chance to become a change agent in my own life? I applied to places I dared to dream of out of grad school. I applied to other places I wanted to live in Montana-Missoula and Bozeman. I kept pushing forward as well to stay in Helena. Also, I was ignoring the little niggle that I need to leave Helena. But, I had a routine, a fish, a horse and trails for days. Plus, my childhood best friend lived here and her three rascals and my porch overlooked a community garden and Mt. Helena. I would need more than a niggle of change and therefore proceeded to really focus on staying in Helena.
My persistence paid off. I landed a job at the state that I thought I would really love. It combined my love for planning with travel. I was excited....and yet cautious. I have never had a job I loved more in the state when I worked for Governor Schweitzer. And the small stint I had after that felt stifling. And since that time with the Governor, I had gone to grad school, started writing and focused on my creativity, my voice and helping others along the way. I was nervous that an office in government, no matter what the job would try to throw dirt on that fire. And it did.
The job itself was amazing. I liked my team, I liked being the storyteller of the state I loved and I had incredible experiences. But I will say this. A person in a management position does not make them a leader. And I will leave it there. I could slowly feel my voice leave and feel fear and anxiety creep in on a daily basis and I could see this in my direct team. They also felt they had no voice...no value...no creative input. And I will leave it there. But, I will say this. You decide how you will treat people and how you own your brand. And at the end of the day, people leave bosses, they don't leave jobs. I was applying for other jobs by Thanksgiving.
On New Years Eve I decided to take a page out of the spirit junkie handbook and my best friend and I made intentions we wanted to take into 2018 and shit we didn't want to take into 2018. For more on that-see my blog post about getting your shit together was so last year. On January 2nd, that fear and anxiety ended. Just walking in the office again took a bit of my soul. And that was my last day. Ripped off like a bandaid. Why not start immediately with not taking the crap you don't want in 2018 and letting it go. I immediately felt relief and went to my best friends house to eat dip. Hey, we each handle our own stuff our own way, and this dip tho....
Now what? I started freelancing. I kept going to therapy. I slept the fuck in. And I started hustlin'. I set goals both professionally and personally. And then the nudge came again. This time a little bit stronger. I looked at where I am going with my life and what do I want out of it. I mean, I was staring down the barrel of 40 this year. I was about to hit my half way life mark (okay, maybe that is 50). And I started the process again of looking at where do I want to live and what do I want to do. I knew this-I wanted to work in a place that I felt valued, had a voice and could be creative AF and use my skills of communication and public relations. I also knew I wanted new experiences...and I was beginning to feel like I was in a rut. A rut? Gah. That's hard to say about your life. My routine and surroundings had become too comfortable. Too routine. I wasn't growing, I wasn't meeting new people anymore and I wasn't cultivating new experiences where I was living. But, once again I worked hard to stay in Helena. I love the town and the location. And I did find something and as soon as I found it, it was gone. That was a gut punch...but after I caught my breath, wiped the tears and picked myself off the ground...it was a gut check.
Around this time I headed to Billings for my father's birthday. And I needed to lick my wounds. And I needed a new view...literally and figuratively. I hung out with my dad and my mom. I then decided to meet with my friend Jennifer Mercer. Over wine and ice cream-because, life, she mentioned to me that I should look into Billings. I had honestly never thought about it. I always looked at western Montana or Helena or places like Oregon or British Columbia. I know, it may seem odd. Later that day I looked around and found two jobs I would be interested in and one remote position in Billings. I talked to my parents and then headed back to Helena, but not before each parent gave me a slice of advice as side with my eggs.
Upon my return to Helena, I devised a list and a plan...and made sure my Starbucks app was up to date, as this is where I set up my writing work space and now it was ground zero. I would head there with my Mac and a mission. Life will knock you down but it's how you get back up that matters. I applied at the places that appealed to me, as well conquered other items to set the world right...however only a few know of those and that is way it will be for some time.
I was attending a small business conference in Helena with two of my friends and I got a call from one of the places. I will sum this up quickly-I had a phone call with the strategic director, then another with the owner, then another call was set up. These two calls were imperative in pointing me in the right direction and told me this was the right place for me. Simple words that I said in my life were being echoed in the tone and tenor of these calls. Words that the spirit junkie in me connected with and that the universe was saying this is your calling. So, the next phone call turned into a meeting, as I would be in Billings anyway. At this meeting I met part of the team and ultimately was offered the job. I was given two start dates-in two weeks or four weeks. They were very understanding that I was moving a life and closing a chapter. Even when all signs point in a direction-the right direction, it is hard to leave some of my favorite people and horse. Yes, that horse and I have had a bond since 2013, so yes, the horse was hard as hell to leave. I always put a Christmas card in the owners mailbox and upon leaving I put a picture of the horse and I in the mailbox and gave my contact information in so they could reach me if something were to happen to him.
My horse when I was saying goodbye and I love him. He did this. We still have carrots and catch up when I visit!
After I met with key stakeholders in the community and tapped into what the triathlon community looks like here, such as: Is there a bike group? An outdoor long course pool? A Masters group? Running and biking routes for long training? I took the job and decided on the two week route. I packed up my life within a week essentially and waved goodbye to the moving truck. I kept an air mattress, a camping chair, my bike, a few clothes, my coffee maker and of course a plate and bowl-which I never used because I was saying goodbye to everyone over meals. But, I loved living like this. And I have too much shit..but that is another post.
It was hard to leave Helena. It had my favorite views, running routes and cycling loops. I became a marathoner and an Ironman living there. But, alas, I tapped out my growth there, both personally and professionally. I needed a different space and a different place to grow. And that is okay. In fact, it's more than okay to recognize that and then do something about it. And more importantly it's valuable to know your worth, both financially and spiritually. Don't let anyone ever tell you that you're worth less than you are. Ever.
And just like that, I became a Billings resident again. I have big plans for you Billings and amazing people to connect with here.
P.s. I know it's now July, but with training for a big race and a new job and a life change, other things have taken priority. Thanks for sticking with me.
Remember to explore more, think outside of the box and always live in the you do you vibe.
