The Language of Light

Well, hello.  It's been awhile.  Now, that race season is over (and the hard work continues) I have been enjoying my off season.  Letting my body recover.  Sleeping in.  More yoga.  More reading. More journaling.  More napping.  Re-charging my batteries a bit.  And more napping.....

I found this song last month and I really enjoy it.  So, here you go. The video made me love it more.
I love myself

So, a quick re-cap, if you will.  End of June I ended a triathlon in tears and blood.  Yes, you could say that is part of the sport.  But, these were different tears.  Tears of defeat, sure; but more-so tears not understanding my body.  I had put my training in and yet I couldn't get my shit together.  I wasn't swimming as fast as I could, on the bike I literally looked down at my legs and begged them to go faster and the run ruined a bit of my soul....or so I thought. I could hardly speak after because my voice was cracking.

The week after the race, I went to the doctor for blood work.  While waiting for the results a triathlon friend wanted to go for a ride.  On that ride I confided what I had been feeling.  The exhaustion was palpable.  It's hard being an endurance athlete in this sense.  You are always tired.  But, when is it not healthy? She shared her experiences from the year before.  Very similar.  It was so great to talk to someone who had experienced this.  In many ways.  It's hard for me to be very open with people.  For a lot of reasons.  I am a Virgo and a perfectionist.  I don't want to appear weak or off my game.  But, I took the gamble and opened up and shared that I was not only feeling horrible, I may drop out of my A race for the season, Calgary 70.3.  We shared a lot in those miles.  I had only planned to do 30 of them, but she inspired me and listened, so I completed the 60 some with her.  The was a twinkle of light at the end of the tunnel.  I didn't want to fall off my bike and die.  So, that was good.

Tests came back that my thyroid was out of whack and my iron was at the lowest of lows on the normal scale.  Put on medicine and iron supplements.  There were decisions to make, since Calgary was only a few weeks away.  Also, in the mean time, my race partner had decided to not do the race for her reasons.  Here I was with a lot in front of me.  So, what did I do? I deferred a race I had in July-the Missoula Half-Marathon and didn't sign up for a triathlon in my home town.  I needed a break.  I certainly didn't need another shitty race to mind eff me.  I decided to see how training would go this next week and decide on Calgary.  I took the pressure off me.  I trained at my pace, on  my schedule.  Still fighting fatigue.  But, was feeling better.  I mean only a week ago from this I could hardly get out of bed.  I went to the Farmers Market and didn't plan my day.  I trained and then had Anna time.  I read.  I mediated.  I met friends for coffee.  I confided in a couple of other friends what I was going through.  One close triathlon friend that helped me open up to my fears on Calgary-could I go and be okay with a DNF?  Could I not go and be okay with a DNS? Could I go and finish slower than last year?  These are hard questions to have with yourself.  But, my dear, what if you fly?  That is what I kept asking myself.  What if you go and kill it?  Or, what if you just go and be okay and be at peace with it all.  That month of July I learned so much about myself.  I am stronger than I think.  I can open up and be vulnerable.  I can show up and be brave in all areas of my life and people won't judge me and won't think the worst.  The people who care about you and love you will-no matter what.

So, one of the big things I did in this period was climb Boulder Hill.  I had been scared and let fear hold me back.  But, one Saturday, I woke up and was like this is the day. I am going to climb it even if it takes me all damned day and I will not get off my bike.  I was just telling a friend this story the other day.  I started off.  It is 2600 ft elevation gain in 6 miles. I started pretty decent and around 3 miles it starts really climbing.  I held steady and I did finish.  I stopped by Garmin and fell into my aero bars and cried.  Cried.  Different tears this time.  Tears of joy and redemption.  Brave enough to face my fears and brave enough to let go and enjoy this moment. The day was beautiful. I dreamed out loud and got it done. Then I flew down the hill.  With the biggest freaking smile on my face.  On the way up these cows by the side of the road were just staring at me...pretty sure they were judging me.  So, on the way back, I slowed enough to yell "What's up now muther fuckers!" Enjoy your victories.  Whenever and wherever.  Because they are yours and you worked your ass for them.  And yes, if that means you throw down with some random cows, then do it!  So be it.  It's good for your soul.  I was crossing the bridge to get to the frontage road and rode by a penny.  I turned around to get it.  Pennies from Heaven.  I cried more and thought of my grandma.  I miss both of my grandmas. Go hug yours.  Now.

That penny is still in my Bento Box on my bike.

For the record, I went to Calgary 70.3.  I killed the bike (took 16 min off last year) and I PR'd with shaving 8 min off my time from last year.

Always have to have Hot Pink nails when racing.

                                               
                                                    Best Helena Crew to be on this journey with.

Very inspirational to swim with the Iron Cowboy in Bozeman while tapering for Calgary.

Oh, and Andy Potts of course!  You know, that moment he recognized my name.

What did I learn from this, other than not to be tired.  I learned be brave enough to be vulnerable.  Let people know what you are going through.  As a #PerfectionistInRecovery this was a hard lesson for me.  ( I mean I was excited when I learned my blood type was A positive (A+)). To be open, to let others in.  To enjoy all your days.  Find one good thing about your day.  Look around you and take a moment to really see things.  To be kinder to others and definitely on yourself. Laugh more.  Cry more.  Leap more.  Be happy that you are healthy-because that can go away at anytime.  One of the best advice I received when talking about my goals in 2016 was "Do it. You are healthy and not injured.  A lot can change in 6 months to a year."  Slow down a bit.  Read more. Write.  Take more rest days.  Do more yoga!  Be joyful.  Find your Tribe.  Don't be afraid to put in the work and be Bad Ass.  Can you believe that holds people back, it has me.  I actually wrote in my journal "Don't be afraid of what you are capable of and what you can do and be."  (See, I just opened up a deep personal thought there!).  Showing that you are vulnerable doesn't mean shame.  It's okay to ask for help. Your loved ones will give it...and more.  See the light at the end of the tunnel.  You are amazing.  Take the journey with yourself.  Spend time with yourself.

I found this card around my birthday and I got it for myself.  Yes, yes I did.  So many reasons.  1.  It's hot pink. 2.  It's sparkly  3. It has a bad ass message.  And you better believe I put it where I will see it a lot. Love yourself.  Hug more.  And speak the language of light, it's all around you.  Look for it. See it. Be it.

And it will be!