Lessons from a brother

Before I dive into this post, which is somewhat dark, I leave you with this song.  I have listened to this song for some time lately and I think it's relevant to this post and my brother. Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oh2LWWORoiM
What a crazy couple of weeks it has been.  Two weeks ago today, I got a phone call from my mother at 1 am that my sister in law has passed away.  The pain that instantly hit my chest slowly found it's way to tears then sobbing.  Uncontrollable sobbing.  Sobbing for my sister in law, her parents, and mostly my brother.  My brother has only been on this earth for 42 years; however, the things that he has had to endure in such a short life span almost make me forget he is only 6 years older than me. He even looks older to me.  Life has definitely dealt him a hard blow.  However, the memories of our childhood are the ones filled with laughter and adventure.  And we were a team dealing with our crazy parents!

From an early age, my brother took me under his wing.  I remember when he was in 5th grade and I was in 1st, he would teach me how to read at a 5th grade level.  Teaching me his readings so I could be the smartest girl in the class. We would build forts, secret sticker clubs in our closet, hide and seek and go on grand adventures on the way to and from school.  However, like all siblings, we drove each other nuts.  I hated him for a long time for tormenting my cabbage patch doll just to see me work into a rage and eat all the brownie mix that was for my little kitchen on purpose.  My brother has the biggest heart I know of, besides my own father.  Once when my gold fish died, he went down to the ditch to refill the tank with more fish-which happened to be guppies, but nonetheless.  I also remember us playing hide and seek under clothes racks while my mom was shopping only to have my brother not come look for me and me finally getting up and looking around at age 7 and not seeing anyone.  Asshole.

My brother gave me the love of academics-although he went the Math and Science route-and I went the English/Politics/Philosophy route.  You know that smart kid in your class that took college Math as a freshman-yeah, that would be my brother.  But what I am most thankful for is the gift of running my brother gave me.  What an amazing runner.  Winning State and getting calls from colleges while in high school to come run for Brown-just to name one college.  He was asked to run with the President of the United States.  It seemed effortless and when I would get the balls to run with him during summer training-he would always be ahead of me.  He gave me strategies I often think of today in races.  He was built to run.  I had to work a bit harder.  He has been my cheerleader in all things. So proud of all my academic and athletic accomplishments.  I still remember him calling me after NYC and just telling me how awesome that was.

I always joke how my brother is sweet, sensitive and very quiet.  Very Private.  I am pretty much the complete opposite.  I am loud, tell you how it is, and can be known once in awhile as sweet.  But that is not the first word people usually use to describe me.  And I am okay with that.  You will never walk away from me without me being honest with you.  However, I am a very private person. And I guard my brother fiercely.  That is why I don't post about him on FB a lot.  I probably tell 5 people my inner most thoughts, cry in front of and hug.  I am more of a "Go Team" girl.  It's surprising to me that my brother can be all those things with such great loss throughout his life.

My brother enlisted into the military right after school.  Like my brother, I also do well with people just telling me what to do-that is why I love training plans.  I remember my brother calling me at college and saying "calling to say hi, that I love you, but this line isn't secure, so I can't talk long."  I never asked what he did or what he saw in North Korea and Iraq, just to name a few places he went. But I knew when my brother came back, he was different.  How could you not be on some level.

In his time back to the U.S. he was married and lost his youngest child while I was living in LA. Another horrible phone call.  After burying your own child-I don't think one ever gets over that loss. His marriage fell apart.  Both not handling or coping correctly with such a loss.

In recent years and in recent months, men he fought with and spent day and nights with, committed suicide.  And now, this week, we buried his current wife, my sister in law.  The details of that night my family shared with me and how my brother reacted are private; but the man is shattered.

I often think how much can one human endure in a lifetime?  I don't know.  I know my brother has a long road in front of him on many levels.  Especially, emotionally and physically.  With blow after blow in his life he hasn't managed to cope effectively.  But it is hard to ask for help situations.  I, personally don't like it.  But, I find that people are more than willingly to offer comfort and support if asked.

I am so grateful for my friends that have reached out to me.  This week has been horrible.  I think with traveling, grief, shock, stress and not eating or then not eating right, I have finally gotten run down and sick.  I think what makes me the most sad is that I cannot imagine the amount of loss in my brother's life and especially losing a wife, that was your high school sweetheart.  After dating in high school, then going their separate ways, they found each other again.

I hope and pray for my brother and his journey into recovery and healing.  I guess that is the most valuable lesson he has taught me-to be resilient.  To pick yourself up, to keep going-even if it is a snails pace.  Enjoy the pics!